Rain, rain, rain. And it’s coming down by the bucketfuls. It’s enough to make one slightly sad if one considers that my companion is still far south of here. She has left Charleston and is now in Atlanta. In my attempt to forget that fact I put the laptop back in shape by deleting many files. It had 2 percent hard drive space and now it has about 55 percent space. I ran a program called SS and put all the photos in cyberspace where they belong. They are in albums and there is also a workspace there. And then I set up a separate hard drive to hold finished photos and files in a second location.
So who needs to keep them in a laptop? And if you noticed that this blog loads a little more quickly it is because someone is in Atlanta. And I have too much time on my hands.
My hands would rather be busy holding someone. Touching her. Hugging her. Kissing her once or twice. And then having a conversation that will inevitably lead to some difference of opinion that needs to be played out in its inevitable fashion.
But we disagree about nothing that causes silence to ensue. Because all that is important is that she is in this world. And she has agreed to be with me. And notwithstanding that lapse of judgment she is a truly wise person.
At least ten times in the past few days I have pushed back from the desk intending to go tell Beth something before realizing she is not in the house. It feels like she is still here. And then I spend a few moments pushing back the fear. Thoughts of THAT highway running through Atlanta next to the Braves Stadium must go. How many lanes does it have? Eight?
She will return. How many years of loneliness have I experienced in almost sixty years of living? Could I ever go back there? It seems impossible now that I have known this life. Being a part of a whole is so different from being single. But it’s not a union based on anything in this world. It’s not a physical union although that is very nice. It’s something that confused me when I was younger. Let’s leave it at that.
Being part of a living union is something I would recommend to anyone. Trusting so completely.
For very many years I felt as if I was being dropped into a vast void. Only my children kept me from going there. And then after a half century on this planet that sometimes resembles an old basketball I found someone who made all those feelings go away.
Someone asked me recently if i didn’t need time away from my wife to do things. But the fact is I’m probably away from her most of the time. I’m living in this body and it separates me from her and most of the world. I’m working at a computer or doing other things that require some concentration. I’m out there meeting people or getting lost in the woods as happened Saturday.
But I always feel she is with me while I am doing those things. And so I try to find her in the house when she is in Atlanta. I fly with her in dreams. I hear the cell phone go off and know it is her.
When I was over at the Henricus settlement yesterday the guy was talking about how the men came up the James River and built the fort. They established working relationships with some of the Indians and fought with the others. And after awhile when things had settled down they sent for the women.
When the women arrived the men were happy. Although these were not women who had anything going for them in some respects. They were bought in some cases and just plain desperate in others. But when they found their way to the new world they at least had a chance to find a life that included food, shelter, and a family. They would have dignity and they would have children.
Some of them would even find love.
And plant flowers where children would play.
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa
There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God’s finger on man’s shoulder. ~Charles Morgan
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”
Let your love be like the misty rains, coming softly, but flooding the river. ~Malagasy Proverb
Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde
Shall we compare our hearts to a garden –
with beautiful blooms, straggling weeds,
swooping birds and sunshine, rain –
and most importantly, seeds.
My debt to you, Belovèd,
Is one I cannot pay
In any coin of any realm
On any reckoning day.
~Jessie B. Rittenhouse
She called from Atlanta and said, ” I read your post and I wanted to tell you that I enjoyed it.”
“And I love you.”