Bureau of Leaf Collection
Dear Mr. Aquafat,
In response to your letter dated November 29, 2011 regarding county disposal of leaves from your front yard I would like to inform you of the following pertinent facts:
Our Asphault equipment disposes of approximately 15 tons of leaves daily. It has been extensively tested in the lab and shown to reliably pick up 99.4 percent of all leaves in a dry environment. In a wet environment it picks up 98.9 percent of the leaves. Our records indicate that on November 28 when Asphault was working in your area the weather was sunny and there was virtually no humidity. So I am a bit confused when you say that “most of the leaves are still scattered about your yard and in the street in front of your house”. Mr. Boathowse, general foreman of leaf collection, indicates to me that he and his band of men disposed of your leaves. He also indicates that the pile of leaves he picked up was quite large and it was blocking vehicular traffic on your street for several weeks, according to your neighbors. While in the area directly in front of your house he also notices that there were remnants of several small fires that apparently had been started when your neighbors attempted to egress the neighborhood and the mufflers on their cars came in contact with your leaves.
It is the policy of the Bureau of Leaf Collection here in Honeydew to provide our citizens with 100 percent reliable and satisfactory leaf collection during the months leading up to the festive holiday season. And, while our Asphault equipment and Mr. Boathowse and his crew are now picking up leaves on the other side of the county in the Blowtown subdivision I would be happy to rearrange their schedule next week and have them return to your area. However, I must remind you that burning leaves in or about your yard is a class 4 misdemeanor and subject to a fine of one hundred dollars per leaf and imprisonment in the Honeydew County jail for a period of 1-6 months . Also, as I noted earlier, the Asphault Leaf Collector 2000 has been shown in tests to pick up 99.4 percent of all leaves (including the ones that are determined to get away) . Before we can rearrange our busy schedule I will need the enclosed form completed.
If you would simply complete this form in the next 48 hours and return it to us.
1. Number of leaves in your yard or on the street in front of your house ___________ on (date ) ________ .
2. Number of leaves in your yard or on the street in front of your house following Leaf Collection Bureau’s visit to your area _________.
3. Percentage of leaves that are still in your yard or on the street in front of your house_______%. ( divide #1 into #2– and don’t forget to move the decimal point!)
4. If the percentage of leaves is less than 99.4 percent please indicate a date that would be convenient for you for further leaf removal_______.
5. County services provide a festive holiday meal on Christmas day for all inmates of the Honeydew County jail. Please indicate your preference below. (circle one)
a. Turkey with stuffing and cranberry sauce.
b. Chicken and rice.
c. Flounder and winter squash.
Let me thank you once again, Mr. Aquafat, for contacting our office regarding your leaf disposal issues. It is my privilege to serve you this festive holiday season.
A. H. Hungerfoot
Bureau of Leaf Collection
Honeydew County, Virginia
“Virginia Is For Lovers and ( just as night inevitably follows day) Families too!